im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
