i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
