There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
