She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
