I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
