I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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