I just threw up on my dentist
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
