Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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