I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
