Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
