I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
