he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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