i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
