You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize