Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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