Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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