he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
