So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i believe in u and ur pee
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
