I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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