I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
