Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize