Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
