Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
