Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
