It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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