Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
