My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
did you just send me my own nude
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
