Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
