just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
