she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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