are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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