i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
