Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
