k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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