I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
