Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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