I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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