He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
