You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
