But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
