Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
