True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Someone shattered a urinal.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I touched a dick in church today
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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