So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize