Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
