Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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