Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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