When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
