There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize