I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
