my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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