I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
