my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
