I will die if light touches me.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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