I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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