her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
