I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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