Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
