I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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