i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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