i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
