i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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