he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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