i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
