Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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