Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
