Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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