Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
