My liver just broke up with me...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
