one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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