I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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