you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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